Jan. 5 2023

I had a lot of intense and surreal dreams all throughout the night. For a big part of it I was on a giant freighter / cruise ship that was a mini society and totally fucking massive, yet at times I could feel the swell of the ocean underneath me and was reminded that we were travelling out in the vastness of the deep blue sea.

I remember flashes of an area that was built up like sports bleachers but all in cement and it was cramped and closed in with a lot of blind spots. I was running into old co workers from the film industry and there was one British guy in particular who was very kind to me and a sweet soul and he was there with his young daughter.

At times we would dock the giant ship and then events took place on land in rugged forested back countries. I was travelling through an area similar to the Kootenays in the 80’s with a guy I was dating last year and there were several kids in the back seat but none of them were ours and we weren’t paying too much attention to them.  I kept forgetting they were there and then I'd remember and I'd see that they were totally okay.  It was surprising how mature they were, but this was an apocalyptic world and everyone was in survival mode.

We ended up back on the big freighter again and the children were returned to their parents. The guy I was with ended up with another woman and they were suddenly transported into some kind of sitcom scene and everything they were doing was being recorded. I went over to another part of the ship and there were rows and rows of banquet tables and tons of people that I knew from my past were there and also many people and who I’d met on the trip.

I was trying to tell them all something really important and they were completely ignoring me. Then I realized that they were all men and I was sick and tired of having my ideas ignored. Then the whole boat starting sinking because of their poor planning. I started screaming as loud as I could and then some of the other women and some of the men who were cool started to shut everyone else up so they could listen to me. I then lectured them all (I can't remember what about now). I looked over to the main table and I saw that the men there who were all of different ages were so tanned that their skin was peeling off and they all had patchy skin with exposed shiny pink areas that was severely damaged. It turns out that they were billionaires who disembarked from their superyahts and joined the freighter ride and they all conglomerated at their own table. I was so disgusted with all of them and couldn't believe that anyone would ever look up to them or give them money or power because they all seem like disgusting creeps. I went over to their table and started screaming hoarsely at all of them.  I was so filled with rage at their arrogance and indifference. 

In another part of the dream I found a large black pencil and it started releasing smoke and embering and I realized that there was a dark spirit inside of it. I ran over to a window and broke the pencil in half using a lot of force and when smoke billowed out from it I used my breath to force it outside. I was like help me get this smoke out the window and I was looking around and asking for help but no one knew what to do. I realized I would have to do it all by myself and I also realized that I was strong enough to do it. I was holding on tight as the dense energy was released and the pencil started to flame and then more smoke billowed off until the black force was dissipated.

I ended up finding my friend Lydia somewhere and she was making food and I was telling her about he pencil thing and was glad she was there peripherally.

I woke up in my new apartment to construction sounds and the whirr of a washing machine upstairs. The sounds were muffled and didn’t disrupt me sleep at all. I have my moon time with the full moon today.  Syncing with the full moon is a powerful cycle to be on and will likely make the winter easier to get through and I”ll be less dawn inward than usual. Last year I was syncing with the full moon in the summer and with the new moon in the winter.

I’ve been volunteering at an anarchist bookstore and in a few short weeks I’ve come to realize that it’s quite a toxic environment so I’m going through a period of disillusionment right now. It’s a great place to visit as a customer and I felt so inspired to do various things like get the computer running on Linux, learn more about intellectual anarchism, and meet interesting people; but all of that feels squashed by the petty power plays of long time members who don’t realize that they embody the very forces that they are supposedly working to dismantle. The best thing they could to do honour the supposedly anti-authoritarian spirit or the collective is to fuck off for a year or so and completely let go of all control. One of the main people running the show there even used the word “chain of command” in one of her emails, bringing to everyone’s attention the fact that her husband is a University professor. I hardly see how that’s something to brag about or bring attention to in the context of decolonization and the seeking of alternatives to capitalism.

That same person seemed surprised when no one showed up for the bi-monthly meeting I attended. And then recently they were mentioning “not having enough time”. Well if you microagress everybody, talk over people, and dominate through subtle gas-lighting, manipulation, circular conversation and condescension, then no one will want to play with you and you’ll be in the sandbox all by yourself building your castle alone.

I changed my listserv subscription to a digest form, have emotionally detached from any delusions about finding some kind of commmunity or place to give my energy and skills to and am just laying low and do my weekly shifts and enjoying talking to the customers who come in. There are some really great people who shop at the store and so many great books to explore. Not sure how long I’ll last there but I’ll try and give it a few months anyway. Another member came by in person one day and chatted me up and he was super cool and he mentioned that there's a shift happening right now internally so maybe things will change in a better direction.

I was moving and PMS’ing simultaneously and had some rather feral and primal emotional shit puke out of me. I miss the forest and I miss the friendly down-to-earth hillbillies of central and northern Vancouver Island. Victoria is stuck up as fuck.

I’m sleeping on the floor surrounded by boxes and piles of crapola. I have an entire little apartment to furnish now and zero motivation to do so. I scrolled through crackbook market place yesterday (I have an account with no friends that I use for buying stuff and then deactivate afterwards) and felt nauseous. I’m going to wait a week or two before doing anymore adult things.

Victoria really does remind me of a mini Melbourne a lot of the time, especially this morning with the skies so wide over here in Vic West, and with grey and wind swept clouds on one part of the horizon and then sun peaking out on the other horizon. The sunrise glowed orange on the water and the inlet was rippling from a light wind.

Lets talk about suicide. It’s something I think about more often than I’d like admit. And it’s something I’m thinking about more lately since a close family friend took his own life in the heat of the moment. And another friend of mine took her life near the end of last year.

I carry a lot of pain and I do it alone and often it’s more than I can take. But I’m still here and I've been having these feeling since my early teens.

I’m telling myself this morning that I’m okay, even though I’m not okay and even though it feels like hell to start over again here.

I know this apartment will be rad once I get it all together. I know I’m stronger than I think I am when crippling amounts of pain is pouring out of me. I can heal myself.