Feb. 12 2023

Valentines Day is coming up and I’ve been feeling really sad and going through a big wave of painful recognition of my extended solitude and loneliness. I’ve also been remembering times I was sort of dating various men who were taking full advantage of my body, yet keeping me in an inter-zone between friend and lover, never quite committing but not wanting to let go. And I was quite broken and vulnerable at the time and unable to hack my way through all of the power games, lies and manipulation. I crumpled under the weight of it all and become more and more depleted.

There are powerful emotions puking out of me, as I long for partnership, family and community, but thus far I’ve been horrified by nearly every example of marriage, family and group dynamics I’ve encountered on this planet and really can’t imagine partaking in any of it without an even deeper ennui than the one I’m experiencing as a result of my isolation and alienation.

A common thing that others have said to me over the years is that they can’t believe I’m single or they ask me why I don’t have kids, and these are such deeply personal and unnerving questions. I often want to say hey do you have 3 days to spare and a bag of snot rags? I’ll tell you all about it and leave your shoulder soaked in salty tears.

I don’t ask the 97 out of 100 miserably coupled humans I encounter how they’ve managed to endure their toxic co-dependent relationships for so long when they’re so clearly unhappy.

I’ll be celebrating 2 years of self-partnering on February 14th. That’s 2 years of turning down casual sex with charming physically attractive young men, 2 years of following my gut instincts and heeding the red flags I encounter as I navigate the alligator infested waters of the dating world; and 2 years of creativity, nature and healthy friendships with other women. I get hella fucking lonely sometimes that’s for sure, but I’m a lot less lonely than I was when I was in a relationship with someone who wasn’t fully honouring and respecting me.

I wish I didn’t care at all what others thought about me but I do and sometimes I don’t leave my apartment for days because I’m so depressed and ashamed and feel too vulnerable to deal with the gaze of the world.. But there are many more days that I feel so free and hold my head so high.