February 15 2023

I was dreaming about being back in Vancouver and I found an old t-shirt that was made with thick fabric like how shirts were made in the 80’s and it was black with a blue design on it. It was super comfortable and I was wearing tight black jeans, beat up sneakers and a hoodie, looking very East Vancouver. I ended up at an old share house and there were punks all around, guys I knew back in the day, but they were older and their tattoos look faded and they weren’t as energetic and full of life as they used to be. Bunny shows up and I’m excited to see her, though she seems a bit depressed and I’m a bit manic and I’m asking her if she knows what the shirt I found is and she’s says its on old punk band, but they’re more pop punk and I probably wouldn't like them. I’m talking really fast and talking too much and I’m nervous and I have to leave and go somewhere so I leave without asking Bunny much about herself. I realize that as I’m walking so I call her on the phone and ask her whats going on in her life and she tells me that she’s on crack. I was being really chill and open minded about it and was like well it’s probably better than anti-psychotics from a doctor or heroin, and as long as you’re managing how much you’re taking it might be okay?. Then I was like oh ya my friend Alex is also on crack, you and him should meet up, which my waking self now recognizes as very bad advice. I guess I wanted her to stay in touch with me and not feel judged, and hopefully meet up with me and maybe I could be a positive influence. We ended up talking a lot on the phone and it’s like the old days and I think we did meet up at some point in the dream.

I was living in an apartment with a lot of people and some of them were from the bookstore I volunteer at and more middle class and educated. The main guy Alf is there but he has a thick British accent, and is a bit of a pretentious ass though has now ingratiated himself into my life somehow. There’s another group of people who I end up meeting outside of the house.

I’m very social in these dreams, and the group I meet up with is made up of young, cool queers. There’s a trans man in the group who’s into nerd culture and he comes over to my apartment one day and throws himself next to me in my bed and tries to start making out with me. I got really mad at him and asked him to leave and he was in the hallway outside my apartment with another friend and I was like hey if you had spent 5 minutes getting to know me as a human you’d know that I’m not into casual sex at all and you would never have tried that shit with me. He was very apologetic and then left but came back later on in the evening and was really trying hard to connect to me as a friend and find out what my interests are and brought a whole bunch of nerdy stuff over to show me, but I could tell that it was all contrived and he just wanted to sleep with me. I was thinking, well I can really understand why you identify as a man because you’re creeping me out just like any other dude would and you’re just as oblivious to my feelings and deeper sensitivities as so many of the men I’ve dated. (As a side note, I had my first experience of being sexually attracted to a trans man after moving to Victoria and around the same time synchronistically found a really interesting zine called OP at a thrift store. I learned a lot about trans men that I had previously been super ignorant about, like hormone therapy; and I also found myself attracted to some of the men in the zine.).

Yesterday was Valentines Day and it went pretty well. I was feeling really good within myself after a day at the ocean the day before and then having a great hangout with a fellow witchy empath person. I’m feeling very strong in being single - more so than ever. I had an interaction the day previously where a guy I’ve run into a few times since moving here was like here write your number down in my phone, as I was recommending him a book. I was like no I’ll just write the name if the book in your notes. He tried again to get me to write my number in his phone and I said no again. Then he talked about wanting to hang out sometime and I had to kindly turn him down a third time.

I’m having better boundaries with everybody right now and it feels great.

I’m reading a book right now called Broken Hearts by R.L. Stine and it’s starting to get really creepy, gory and suspenseful. I was reading it before I went to bed last night and then I was having nightmares about someone being murdered, which I was handling it in a very nonchalant way, much as I was handling the whole situation with my friend being on crack in my dream the night before. I woke up remembering that I used to have more nightmares and it’s probably because I used to watch so many horror movies.

I was reading about the pagan origins of Valentines Day and the original festival in Rome used to involve the sacrificing of goats and dogs and then whipping women with the flesh. There was also a draw to end up with a random lover for 3 days – or longer if desired. Interestingly, the horrifying scene that I was reading about in the Broken Hearts book before drifting off to sleep involved to killing of a dog.

Also of interest is that on the cover of the book, the character depicted has a photo of Rob Halford displayed inside of her school locker \m/.