February 16 2025

So much has been happening in my life, and I rarely have time to write anymore. I’ve been drawn out of my deeply internalized state into the greater world really quickly, and even though it’s a good thing and a long time coming, it still feels very jarring. I’m not writing out my dreams or reflecting on my daily life too much, and I’ve been putting myself out there in huge ways. I feel more grounded and more settled in my body, and am endlessly thankful to live in such a beautiful place, going down to the water hanging out with the herons and the sea otters and watching the skys of Lekwungen morph and swirl.

K’emk’emláý / so-called Vancouver is permeated with a large an imposing backdrop of mountains which takes up a huge amount of the sky, whereas Lekwungen / WSANEC has some small mountain ranges like PKOLS, Bear Mountain and the distant ranges South of the border- but mostly the sky here is wide open and magnificently, magickally, stunningly beautiful. The sun rises and sun sets are otherworldly, and pockets of raw nature are all over the space. The coastline is also very long, so even in the middle of summer there is solitude and sanctuary to be found.. well somewhat: I’ve had to contend with some feisty sea otters. Though at one point when I was down at the Harbour near my place, a young otter jumped out of the water right next to me and started rolling around playfully. It initially terrified me, and then it was the cutest thing ever.

I’ve had some fun times over in Van (where I lived for over 20 years) hanging out with old friends, and little by little I’m making new connections here – but it’s hard a fuck to make friends here, that’s a fact. People are very insular and very flaky. I’ve had quite a few people come into my life, become a part of it, and then abruptly detach from the connection - and it fucking sucks. I’m left wondering what the fuck because it always seemed like we got along great and had a lot of fun together. I’ve written about this before, but it’s definitely a pattern in my life to be drawn into people’s lives for emotional support and then discarded. So now I feel quite guarded, but am working to get back to my upbeat and open self, but to have better boundaries about who I let into my life, and taking more time getting to know a person before giving them access to my internal resources. I’ve detached from quite a few people who were taking advantage of me - and it feels really good, even though it has been difficult because I genuinely care about others. And it sucks to have to lose a close connection because I’m not being honoured and respected. I haven’t cut anyone out of my life completely though, but I’m avoiding situations where I become a dish rag, or am consistently providing one-sided emotional support. (of course when a person is in sincere crisis I will always be there, but I'm often finding myself giving my resources to people who have a lot of resources and who are dealing with petty dramas.)

I also had my first day of putting myself out there with my business, setting up a DIY market under the bridge near my house and it went awesome. People were buying my stuff and were so supportive and responsive. I'm looking forward to getting that going again when it warms up a bit and when I get a bit more organized. But so far, so good, and the seeds have been planted.

I also ended up in a relationship, which happened very randomly and came on strong, and I really like the person I’m seeing, but I struggle to deal with intimate relationships in general. When I observe other relationships and the kinds of bullshit that womyn put up with on a daily basis, I really can’t believe it, and I don’t have a lot of patience for the ingrained patterns of entitlement that so many men carry. I empathize and I know that men often suffer, but I don’t have the energy to deal with it. I’m constantly encountering situations where I’m calling men out for totally inconsiderate and uncool behaviour that they’ve been somehow getting away with for their entire lives. Part of me is frustrated as fuck with men in general, and another part of me is frustrated as fuck with womyn for not sticking up for themselves - and for infantilizing men to the point that they’re just lazy surfers in their relationships, and are never put in the position of having to develop empathy or consideration of the emotional needs and sensitivities of others. Yet are hyper-sensitive about their own emotional needs and sensitivities! It’s fucking bullshit!! And it’s also confusing and deeply hurtful :-(

I also hate seeing womyn in my life destroy themselves and compromise their relationships with other womyn in order to get male attention. It’s really sad.

At the time time, the kind of wounded / toxic masculinity that plays out in the bubble of the West is nothing compared to the sexualized violence and brutal misogyny of so many other places in the world where womyn are enslaved, tortured and brutalized.

I really don’t know how to deal with the various things that come up in my personal life. Should I be more patient, forgiving and understanding because things are relatively better here, or do I address all forms of misogyny, discrimination and unfairness when it comes to gender relations, however nuanced they are? It does seem like it’s all connected. And I need to feel safe and secure in the connections that I have in my midst (first and foremost the one that I have with myself) or I’m really not much use to any kind of global movement.

Like for instance, today is the MMIW march here and I’m too fucked up to go because I’m dealing with my own relationship issues which have left me feeling really shitty about myself. If I had a sensitive and loving partner who meaningfully included me in their life, and who was consistent and emotionally supportive - then I would have the energy to do more in the world. Instead, I’m left feeling depressed, anxious and unable to cope with the world. It feels like it's just better to be alone.

I often resent that human life is dependent upon relationships with others, because in the corporate capitalist materialistic status-obsessed world that I live in relationships (romantic and otherwise) are rarely treasured in the way that I think they should be. People are so often seen as stepping stones, commodities and accessories. At least in my experiences anyway.

But at the end of the day, I’m reminded that the most important relationship I have is the one with myself. And mostly I’m just angry at myself for losing myself in the relationship that I was in: opening up too quickly and thinking that it was something more than it was. Just because two people have great chemistry doesn’t mean that they’re compatible in the long-term. Infatuation wears off and the reality that comes with having to truly care for another and make space for another is often too much for people.

I’m thankful for the time that I had with this person who was super fun and brought me out of my introversion in a huge way. We had some great times together, but I think he would get along better with somebody who is as busy as he is and who is also more self-focused. I know that I’m a sensitive munchkin who needs some special care. I’m definitely able to do that for others, and now I want to open up to letting others do that for me, and to have balanced and reciprocal connections based on empathy and mutual consideration of each other. If it’s not that, then I don’t want it. I will always choose solitude over servitude to any kind of power imbalance.


(UPDATE (July): This relationship persisted for another 4 months, and the person I was with did make more of an effort, but it was really inconsistent and there were some times where he spoke to me very unkindly, and it just didn’t seem like he understood me, or wanted to. Sadly that was all intermixed with some truly beautiful and magickal times together, especially out in nature. We’ve been broken up for a month now and haven’t spoken for most of that time. It hurts a lot.

(UPDATE (September): We met up after 3 months of not seeing each other, and I thought that things might have changed for the better, but it turned into a Jerry Springer episode. Fuck My Life.