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Holy shit it’s March 1 2023..
I
was dreaming about overbooking myself at work and with social
engagements and feeling super overwhelmed and like I was being
pulled in many different directions. At the end of my dream I
was mixing up different colours of foundation make-up and
covering up dark circles under my eyes, gently and carefully
blending the flesh colours with a fine brush while having a
conversation with a cute boy who comes into the book store I
volunteer at sometimes. He was also putting on makeup and
was also fed up with working too much all of the time.
For the past week I’ve been having extremely intense dreams,
including one where I was choking someone to death and another
one where I was screaming uncontrollably at my former best
friend (aka “frenemy”) and former boyfriend who were two of the
most insensitive ass hats I've ever let into my life. Those two
relationships have long since passed out of my life but I never
let either of them know the extent of how much they hurt me. In
the dream I let loose on them with the full force of my fury.
There were a lot of cool scenesters around (which was true to
real life) and I didn’t care what anyone thought about me or if
they were judging me. I enacted my verbal justice (and physical
posturing) upon them and then left the house that they were all
gathered in feeling spent and with a renewed sense of self after
so many years of hiding in the shadows and letting them have
power of me.
I also dreamed that I was living on a space ship and being asked
to go on special missions and I was feeling tired and like I was
being used as the canary in the coal mine, so to speak.
There’s an ongoing theme of power struggles and reclaiming lost
power in my dreams. As I feel stronger within myself, I have to
be careful not to continue the same cycles of oppression and
abuse that left me feeling so vulnerable and broken in the first
place. I want strength, protection and healing for myself - not
dominion over others.
**
Life is getting hella busy and I’m feeling a lot more grounded
and clear headed these days. It’s not the most comfortable of
feelings as I’m really looking at myself, my life and the world
through an unfiltered lense - and everything is kinda messed up
pretty badly. I’ve been feeling like I need a lot of time alone
to settle into all of the new perceptions that are coming into
focus without getting cynical or suicidal.
I took a micro dose of mushrooms the other night and it was a
great experience. First I started crying and crying, and the
tears were flowing out without any resistance or pain. I thought
back on some old relationships and let go of some hard feelings
I was still carrying around with me. Then I drifted off to
sleep and had that super intense dream about screaming and
thrashing out at my old friend and boyfriend.
**
There’s been someone staying in my space for almost a week now
(a French traveller who I met randomly) and we get along great
and she’s an incredibly lovely soul – though it’s also somewhat
jarring to have someone around all of the time after getting so
used to solitude and introspection and pooping loud and walking
around naked haha. But really, she is pure sweetness and we get
along like sisters and I know I’ll miss her when she’s gone.
One of my friends just bought an old Toyota car with a super
loud muffler and Mexican blankets draped over the back seat. He
took us to Mount Tolmie and Saxe Point Park and we walked
through a neighbourhood of richie riches who eyed us up
suspiciously as we searched for beach access. We made it to an
open area with a bit of a pier in time to watch the sunset and I
smoked a small amount of DMT. We all howled at the sun as it
fell behind the mountains and glowed on the horizon. The clouds
were reflecting hot pink light onto the ocean and we saw a
little river otter dipping in and out of the water.
There are two things that money can’t buy you on these lands:
love and the beach front.
**
It’s been a gradual process of piecing myself back together
since I broke apart into a trillion little fragments, yet right
now I feel like things are coming together within myself
alarmingly quickly. I’m consciously pacing my transmutation as
much as I can, as I want to gradually adapt to my life being
better, rather than shocking myself and falling flat on my face
and then starting from ground zero again - as I have in the
past.
I had an opportunity to go the opera last night for free and
turned it down and let Mon Cheri* go instead. I was so happy to
chill out by myself and light some candles and soak up the good
vibes from the DMT I smoked.
There was no such thing as micro-dosing when I was a teenager,
and for a time I thought that I might never do hallucinogens
ever again as I’m definitely at high risk for psychosis – but
doing just a smidgen of controlled dosages supplied from legit
suppliers in a safe setting seems to squeegee just enough
societal crust off of my third eye to keep me flexible and
open-minded, yet not land me up in a straight jacket. And purple
grape flavoured psilocybin gummies are so much tastier than a
ziplock baggie of crusty mushrooms for some sketch case in the
bowels of Kristova.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QLIQ_NWyErQ
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-fWw7FE9tTo
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4nAON-MwUPY
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VaUHvIKCb1U
* most of the names I use when mentioning other people on this
site are pseudonyms
**
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