April 11 2023

I was dreaming that I came across a castle where a man lived with many servants and my friends and I happened upon his abode. He hadn’t had visitors for a long time and was quite nervous and at first I was also nervous as I wanted to impress him and I was doing my best to follow etiquette and have good manners. The man had short brown hair and beautiful bone structure with soft features and kind brown eyes. There were many long corridors throughout the castle and it was quite dark and kept alight with torches. Water was funneled in from nearby streams and cascaded down the walls at intervals along the extensive network of corridors we were walking through.

We were being told by the servants about all of the protocols of the castle and that there would be a public parade for the townsfolk the next day and that they wanted us to participate. They were all very self conscious and very serious about their duties.

There was a cat there and I picked her up and started cuddling her. She was like Ezmeralda but her colouring was more ruddy and her eyes were softer and less electric – but as I held her in my arms I recognized that it was her soul and I was so happy to be with her. The man who lived in the castle was quite smitten with me and I knew it and I also liked him but I only saw glimpses of him in the background and he used his servants as intermediaries. I spent most of my time with Ezmeralda and I loved the feel of her fur and her smell. I missed her so badly.

We went deeper and deeper into the castle and then I saw the man in another room. I made a motion for him to talk to me and he got so excited that he was tripping over himself and bumbling his words. I knew that I was in control of the situation and that he’d do whatever I asked of him but I didn’t want to exploit him. I also realized that I wasn’t really in love with him and so at some point I left the castle and went off on my own into the forest..

I was hanging out with people from grade school, one of them was called Alina and she was in my brother’s grade back in the day. She was trying to hook me up with one of her friends who had a crush on me and he was really shy so there was a whole arrangement being set up. She showed me a photo of herself wearing some cool psychedelic punk clothes and she looked so comfortable in them. I remembered that I’m also a punk and I thought back on my time as a young teenager and how fun it was to be a punk at 15. I also realized that I wasn’t nervous at all to meet the guy she was trying to hook me up with. In the end I didn’t even want to meet up with him. I was focusing on myself and creating an inner sanctum for myself.

I woke up at 5:30 am from this dream and I heard the slosh of rain water through car wheels outside and so it looks like I’ll be having another day inside organizing my apartment. It’s been life changing having all of my possessions together in one place and finding so much sentimental stuff. I’m also finished all of the annoying parts of unpacking and so most of today will be decorating and putting up art.

It feels so good to be single right now and not care so much about having a guy in my life. It’s frustrating when I do meet someone I like and things don’t work out but I’m not taking on that energy anymore. I’ve been deeply internalizing my failed relationships as a failing of myself as a person. I feel bad for myself having let so many people into my life who took so little care of my spirit yet made full use of body. These nervous men in my dreams were just infatuated with me and likely would have become cold and distant as soon as I reciprocated their feelings.

I read somewhere that what's more important for humans than love is freedom and that’s something I really want to find within myself before I partner up again with someone else. I want to feel free within myself and let others be free within themselves as well. I’m not responsible for doing people’s healing work for them. There’s often a lot of pressure put upon those of us who are compassionate to fix and heal others and be everything for those around us and it’s not realistic. I’m finally breaking out of my co-dependency in a real way.