May 1 2023

One thing that’s been rather pronounced about my illness thus far is that I haven’t had very vivid dreams. They’ve mostly been static representations of whatever position I'm in transposed into a soft and comforting dream replica. It’s so rare that my dream life is so peaceful and undisruptive to my psyche.

This morning I woke up with a memory of somewhat more complex dreams, yet the themes were still very pleasant and wholesome.

I also woke up with some of the worst symptoms I've had yet. I was soaked in sweat with a pool soaked into the sheet below me, the back of my hair was soaked and sweat was streaming down the front of my chest. I opened my blankets up to let fresh air in and I became instantly chilled into the pits of my bones.  It was like little shards of ice were bursting out from inside of me in constellations of paralyzing coldness. I starting coughing and a giant chunk of green gelatinous slime came out from my lungs. I went to the bathroom and spit it into the sink and then hunched over the bathtub cleaning it out so I could fill it up with hot water. I took off all of my clothes and took all of the sheets and a sweat soaked blanket off of the bed. I wrapped myself in another blanket and I’ve been drinking tons and tons of fluids knowing that I'm losing so much water through my pores.

I got into the tub and washed away the stickiness on my body and continued to cough up globs of moss green sludge. My coughing is starting to hurt like fuck and my throat is raw and tender.

The lemon drink I made was a too much for my stomach and I puked. I'm a fucking wreck.

The bath felt good and I laid down on some fresh blankets and did some reading. When I felt ready I got up and made a smoothie. I haven’t been able to eat solid food for a few days now. I looked up the symptoms of COVID and realized that I probably have it. It’s gnarly as fuck and I’m quadruple vaccinated. I can understand how this virus would end someone more vulnerable up in the hospital. I’m an ultra healthy person and this is the most brutally sick I’ve been in a very very long time. Maybe since I was in China and possibly had an early strain of COVID.

I’ve been watching a documentary called Planet Earth and it’s absolutely incredible and completely heartbreaking and fucking me up into the pit of my soul. There are so many incredible creatures on the planet that we’re destroying and we're fucking up all of the ecosystems around us. Yet in order to protect animals we also have to secure the livelihood of the humans who live in their midst. And part of ensuring the livelihood of all humans on the planet means that Westerners have to make serious adjustments to our lifestyles and stop making shallow materialism look so cool that everyone wants to be like us. And also tear down the corporate capitalist elitist structure of the planet and start equally distributing wealth and resources.

I’m preparing myself for some hard grieving during my lifetime as I watch more and more destruction of animal habitat and the loss of species. I’m sure we will be able to repair some of the damage but it will never be the same.

The darkness of humanity.. a hole in my heart..