June 11 2024

Coming out of an intense new moon, I rode my bike out to the Star Park yesterday and hung out on a little beach area for about 4 hours. I never used to have the patience to sit around for that long and it’s great to feel my nervous system calming down. I watched a huge duck go back forth in front of me in the water, bobbing gently with the waves as they paddled through the salty water. The tide slowly filled in the spaces between the big rocks in front of me, and a tree shadow crept over top of my face. There was a haze of clouds shrouding Mount Baker and a sailboat floated by in the distance. After a while I jumped into the water and then lazed around some more.

The only thing that broke it up is that shortly after I first lay down two older white women sat down on a bench nearby and began talking loudly about an exhibit that was changed at the Royal Museum, bemoaning how it had all been redone in a way that they didn’t appreciate and “I know it’s really colonial, but...”, and how there was a new video done by an Indigenous person being shown and that it “just wasn’t very good”. I shouted up at them them “Hey, excuse me. Excuse me! Excuuuuse me!!” It took a while for them to respond as they were in their own world and when they did I told them “If you're going to have a conversation like this, please move to the other bench that’s further away where I can’t hear you because it’s going to upset me. I have close friends who are Indigenous and who are like family and if I hear you talking like that I’m going to angry and we’re going to have heated back and forth and I really don’t want that right now.” One of them responded back to me, “Well let me just tell you one thing, my husband worked with Indigenous people for over 25 years.” I interrupted her as said, “Well, it doesn't seem to have had any effect on you or you wouldn’t be saying what you’re saying right now.” To that she responded, “So you think it’s okay that we just erase history.” And to that I responded “Actually yes I do, I think we need to erase history as it’s been written and rewrite it from the perspective of Indigenous people because the way history has been told is from the perspective of European people who settled these lands through bloodshed and genocide, and I see my friends suffering every day a result of the effects of colonization.” She just kept going, “I know about all of that, my husband, blah blah blah.” And then I started shouting louder, “If you really knew in your heart and your soul you wouldn’t be talking the shit you were just talking, you don’t fucking know.” “But my husband he knew many people, I know about all of that.” “They weren't’ your family, they weren’t in your heart, you don’t understand. You need to be able to be uncomfortable and look inside of yourself and do the real work.” She looks to her friend, “Maybe we can go sit over at that other bench.” Me: “Thank you. That was what I very kindly asked you to do when you first sat down.”

AMITA? Probably a little bit. I’m sure that there are better ways of educating people.

Either way, I feel as if the story of European settlement has been thoroughly exposed and now it’s time to reconcile with the trauma that’s been inflicted on these lands and the people of these lands. It’s time to pay the rent and make amends.

It’s also time for me to chill out a little bit cause I've been getting more and more feisty and it’s not productive. I recently had a blow out with an old friend who showed up drunk at my apartment, which resulted in an hour or so of yelling at each other outside of my door. It’s interesting, as I’ve been doing piles of yoga and breathwork, so I can’t imagine how much more extreme my reaction would have been if that hadn't been the case. Honestly, I kept it fairly cool as far as not screaming until the very end when I couldn't take his blatant bullshit and lies anymore. But the sad reality is that for him and so many other wounded people, they really don’t know that they're lying; they're so disconnected from themselves and from reality that they believe their own distorted perceptions. Coming to terms with their own self-delusions is a painful process that’s usually avoided through various distractions, substance abuse etc.

If he had pulled something like that a year ago when I more vulnerable, I would have had a meltdown, freaked the fuck out at him and called the police. So I guess the yoga’s good for something, but I’m not exactly a chilled out monk..

I was shattered after he finally left, didn’t sleep at all and was crying my guts out. Thankfully the next day I was invited to a local outdoor festival and had a metal show to go to, which cleansed the darkness from my spirit and calmed down my nervous system. I’m also starting to make a few acquaintances and feel more at home at the shows I’m going to. When the show was over, I rode my bike home in the dark along an atmospheric, nature bedecked bike trail that goes through tunnels and over wooden bridges, and it was super cool. It would be even cooler on a night with some moonlight shining down, and less treacherous haha

The next day I hardly left my house and broke down and called my mom for support, which is fucking lame as she’s a person who has abused me in far worse ways than the guy I had the blow out with. I was just feeling so broken and the little kid in me was like “I need a mom”. So I called the person who gave birth to me. But I felt like I betrayed myself when I got off the phone, because I know that she never has been and never will be a mother to me. But I’m learning how to be a mother to myself. Hence spending the following day (yesterday) at the secluded Star Park beach reading and eating my homemade vegan chocolates.

I came home, made some food, had another big breakdown and then curled up into my bed with salt crusted hair.