It’s been a heavy and difficult last few days. There’s no
resolution to anything. I’m still just kind of hanging on to the
edge of a cliff.. I could probably hoist myself up, but it would
be difficult. It would be so much easier to let go and free fall
into the chasm of my sorrows and disappointments.
The reality is that there's apart of me that wants to die, and
that’s deeply unhappy and feels so out of place in this world,
and generally hates humanity. Yet there's another part of me
that loves humanity and wants to live, and that part of me is
bigger or I wouldn’t be alive right now. It many ways I’ve
stayed alive for others, but I’ve also stayed alive because I
believe that life can get better and that the world can heal and
come out of the mess that we’re in. And I stay alive because I
think that I have a unique perspective on the world and I’ve
already made many of the changes that need to be made on
personal level in order to exist on this planet in a sustainable
way.
I’ve been living a very simple lifestyle for over 10 years now.
The masses keep expanding, distracting and multiplying the
problems of humanity to the point that they now seen
insurmountable; and I’ve been going in the opposite direction
and have been looking inward, healing my heart and soul, and
seeing life from the perspective of inter-generational healing
and recovery.
I suffer a lot being in this body and being tied to this planet.
But I choose to live and I keep pulling myself out of the
darkness and back into a prism, where I can see future
possibilities where I’m not so alone and isolated, and where
collective shifts in the paradigm of human consciousness begin
to take place.
People have reached out to me randomly in the last couple of
days and I spent some time with a new friend and her two friends
on Friday night and it really helped.
**
It sucks that I’ve had to deal with so much bullying and abuse.
It sucks that in the romance department I’ve been such a door
mat to so many wounded fucking dudes. . And it sucks that no one
ever apologizes for their crappy behaviour. I’m left stewing in
all of the shitty feelings and finding a way forward completely
alone. It leaves me feeling like I was wrong or bad or I did
something to deserve being treated so poorly.
And on a grander scale, when I see how cruel and fucked up
humans can be as far as child rape, genocide and the slavery
that still exists – it makes me really sick. And most people
stay willfully ignorant to what's really going on in the world
around them. I guess because the reality of how horrible we are
is too painful to face and too overwhelming to try and find
solutions to. And people with superficial privileges are often
some of the most damaged people on the planet.
All I know is that I can’t be a part of it, only minimally. But
I still have to be a witness.
**
This past week was the hottest on record globally. There have
been forest fires burning around this province since Spring and
they're getting worse and worse.
I take buses and ride my bike. I turn down offers to go on
holidays that involve flying. I buy local. I’m vegan again. I
buy bulk. I’m constantly writing letters and making phone calls
to bring awareness to governments, corporations and companies
about business practices that are harmful. And I‘ve been putting
myself on the front-lines and aligning myself with Indigenous
people who are fighting for sovereignty and land rights. Yet
most of the time I feel like I’m punching a bloodying fist up
against a thick brick wall.
**
As I emerge out of my dark feelings, I’m staying more aware of
why they come on so strongly and I’m not becoming manic or
distracting myself from the knot of pain in my guts. I often
lose touch with my darkness and become disconnected from my
body, and then I do and say things that I later regret – and
that aren’t true to who I am.
I definitely don’t have all of the solutions, and maybe things
will get worse and worse and worse and worse until there’s no
turning back and we all go down with this stinking sinking ship.
Whatever the future holds for the human race, I feel good in my
soul knowing that I’m fighting for a better world..