July 22 2023

I planned two trips this month in advance, and so even though I feel like shit inside: I have to keep on moving. My lingering feelings of dreariness and dread are a reminder for me to stay grounded and stay connected to myself, as usually after I go through a big bout of suicidal depression I seek out some kind of peak experience to melt it all away - and then detach completely from the negative feelings. And then the roller coaster ride continues..

My friend who I usually go on adventures with has been working long hours and is out of town so I’ve been spending a lot of evenings at home with my cat and am crying quite a lot throughout the day. It’s so nice to have a cat in my life again and it’s kind of freaky cause she reminds me so much of Ezmeralda. Could the spirit of Ezzie somehow be in this cat? Was the same spirit in my childhood cat Tara? How does it work when you have an animal soul mate? Do they seek you out over and over? Do cats trade souls with each other as it suits them?

I don’t know but it kind of freaked me out when this cat came into my life totally randomly and I knew right away that she would be my cat-child even though I was just meant to take her in for a week. And then another freaky thing is that several months ago I put a little cat image on my altar near Ezzie’s paw print, and the image is very similar to the new cat that came in to my life. Invoked or predicted?

I’m feeling more rooted these days that’s for sure, and I’m the most organized I’ve been in like 15 years or something.. I really fucked myself up good with all the drugs and partying and moving around so much. I realize how insanely important housing is for mental health, and the opiate crisis is impossible to address without getting people safe and affordable housing.

Criminals should be going through Vipassanas, healing, and making amends - not being given slaps on the wrist and thrown back out on the street, especially pedophiles and rapists!!.

On a lighter note, when I was hanging out with some new friends the other night in the middle of my darkness, we all ended up walking along the Inner Harbour, which is something I’ve only ever done at 4 in the morning when no one is around. There’s an Indigenous guy down there most weekends who makes copper and silver rings and he knows my friend and we all ended up getting custom made matching rings. It was really cute and teenager-y and one of the girls was asking me about my upcoming birthday and if I liked birthdays, and I said that sometimes I did and sometimes I didn’t. The truth is that I get really anxious about them and I was dreading another one. She said that she loves her birthday and always gets really excited. That sentiment popped into my head today and I decided that I’ll try and do something for my birthday this year, maybe get together a few of the people I know here and do a little lunch or something, I don’t know.. but just to go out and do something!