July 28 2023

It was a heck of an intense month full of upheaval and chaos, and then I embarked on a poorly planned adventure to see Hulder in Portland.

The trip rapidly turned into a head on collision with unresolved feelings over an old lover, and his eventual death. In hindsight, it was a beautiful and fleeting kind of love that endured for a time in spite of how messed up our lives were, and he showed me what true love is. But I was crying a lot; just melting the fuck down all over the place. And in those moments I could only feel deep grief, and a terrible sinking sadness that seemed like it would never been cleansed.

I went for a little hike and a swim at a place called Lacamas Park, just over the state line in Washington, and I was able to get there on transit. Magic is everywhere, and I ended up under a gigantic apple tree at the bus stop and filled up my bag - and I saw a massive monarch butterfly flapping in and out of the densely leaved branches.

I ended up getting in a conversation with a young woman at another bus stop who was like hey what’s up, where are you from? She told me that she was from a nearby suburb and had a boyfriend that makes trap rap music. She showed me his photo, and we passed the time together at a bleak and lifeless bus transfer point near a busy highway with sparse vegetation and no public washrooms..

Hulder and Varathron:

Whilst wandering the streets of Portland during the day, I happened upon the Star Theatre, and it seemed like the perfect venue for the ritual I would be attending that evening. It's been around for over 100 years and went from being a regular film theatre, to a burlesque show room, and for a time screened adult films and had live sex shows.  It was also briefly owned by Gus van Sant, director of My Own Private Idaho and Harvey Milk, who may have had some plans for it that now only exist in the land of dreams, but it ended up getting re-sold, and was transformed into a live music venue in 2011.

I arrived early, and soaked up the vibe of the venue, which felt like a womb and was oozing in the essence of seedy times of past. There was a balcony overlooking the main floor, and a small but fanatical crowd gathered at the stage, which was framed by towering red velvet curtains and cradled by a tall domed ceiling.

Hulder began playing without an introduction and spoke no words during the performance. The music was powerful and enchanting, and the sole composer, Marz Riesterer, found incredible musicians to play live with her.  

The style drew threads from the early days of black metal, and would ebb down into softer more symphonic sounds, with blasts of thrash guitars breaking everything up. At times, Marz's long blond hair and the long red hair of the session bass player (who also layered some backing vocals into the mix) were swaying in unison as the atmosphere and intensity of the show increased.

The music cut into my spirit and brought up dark and empty feelings -  as when I'm in the depths the forest seeing clearcut destruction all around me. Yet, I also felt a strength of will that spoke to the forces of endurance, beauty and hope.

I ended up befriending the person standing behind me, and we spent the intermission together outside. There was a guy stumbling around under the starry sky near the edge of the giant courtyard where we were sitting who had a full face of black and white makeup on, and a corpse paint patterned cat was wandering around in the same vicinity. It was a strange and otherworldly sight. The guy ended up sitting with us, and I got a closer look at his face - fine, intricate feathering of black coming out of his eyes and mouth. He had crystal blue eyes and honey wheat hair, and delicate features with angular bone structure. It came out that he had mostly Norwegian ancestry, and he spoke some Norwegian as part of a discussion we had about Scandinavian spirituality, and the forest creature, Huldra.

Varathron, a Greek dark folk metal project who've been around since 1988 had a strong and compelling stage presence.  They were perfectly paired with Hulder, and also blended black metal with melodic, folk and thrash elements, yet had their own unique sound. Their performance of Son of the Moon stood out for me as an epic and perfectly crafted song. There was great chemistry between the lead singer and main guitar player and they goaded the crowd into going berserk - with hair and tassles a-flailing.

Some girls were head banging next to me and strands of hair were brushing up against my arm. It felt like hundreds of little cat tongues, and the strobing stage lights started to make me dizzy. I realized that I wasn't breathing cause I was taking in so much sensory input, so I forced myself to start breathing deeply from my belly, and was drawing my spirit back into my body. It's been a long process of getting comfortable being alone and sober at live shows, but every time it gets easier and easier, and I could feel some solidness forming within myself, and roots growing beneath my feet.

I never would have tolerated people getting so close to me when I was younger, and I’ve really been soaking myself into the milieu of metalheads at the shows I’ve been going to lately. When I was checking out the crowd and getting hypnotized by Varathron, I was thinking that underground metal shows are probably like 90% neurodivergent.

Christianity and New Age spiritual systems that suppress that which they deem Satanic or disturbing don’t understand that a connection to the darker, denser aspects of the earth are essential for spiritual wholeness. And I find that black metal music evokes the most primal and ancient form of this energy, which I personally find extremely healing.

I discovered Hulder's music by way of Blackbraid, and came to this show instinctively, knowing that it would be good; though only afterwards did I get a chance to listen to her recorded music. The friend I met that night had Hymns of a Forlorn Peasantry on cassette in her car, and I listened to it the next day as we were driving around checking out vintage stores. I was freaking out when I heard it cause it was so fucking good. The guttural vocals, synthy backgrounds and infectious guitar riffs were completely engulfing, and it's really well produced, without being overly slick. I couldn't help but bang my head and flail my locks in response the awesomeness of the sounds being evoked.

There's a new wave of extreme underground heavy metal on the horizon, and I'm fucking stoked!

I left right after the show was finished and walked back to the hostel I was staying at. There’s a fuck of a lot of homelessness in Portland, and although there is in Victoria as well, walking down the streets of PDX felt especially intense and heightened.

There was young woman from Indonesia in my hostel room and we chatted quite a lot. She wears a hijab and she told me that she gets a lot of angry looks from people when she walks down the street, and one evening she had to run away from an aggressive man who was screaming at her when she was walking back to the guesthouse by herself at 1 in the morning from the conference she was attending :(

However much I personally detest the systemic harm that's been caused by Abrahamic religions, I don't believe that anyone should be singled out for hatred or discrimination, particularly a vulnerable woman.