So much has been upheaved, shorn and shit out over the past
month - and tonight was an emotional breaking point. I’ve
been so good for so many months but finally I couldn’t
handle it anymore and started cutting myself again.
The kind of tears I’m shedding these days are dense and
compacted and come out quietly and move through me like a
giant nail sliding through flesh, moving apart bone and
sinew. It feels good to bleed. I’m bleeding with the moon
and I’m bleeding out of fresh razor cuts and I’m
disappearing into an energetic cocoon.
Maybe it’s because I have a birthday coming up and so I’m
tearing through everything in my life and smashing apart
anything that doesn’t feel right. I’m feeling pretty
exhausted right now and I have a lot of intense fucking
feelings coming up. I was straight up abused in the last
relationship I was in and haven’t fully come to terms with
that and I’m super fucked up about it. I don’t actually want
to be alive. I don’t like being here on this planet. I feel
like everything I do is just fake and bullshit. A lot of
people seem to think that I have it all together and I’m so
positive and a lot of people look up to me but I actually
don’t even like that many people at all. I don’t have much
of a social life. I’m an awkward mess when I have sincere
feelings for someone and I feel confused and rootless within
myself. I feel like I should be a lot further along in my
life by almost 43 years old, yet I’m still like a young
teenager inside. I don’t have real social skills. Humans
confuse me, and I’m super isolated and don’t know what the
fuck I’m doing with my life. I long for deeper connections
with others, yet in my experience thus far I haven’t been
able to navigate human relationships very well. I find them
tedious and I often get used up and spit out by people, or
they fall in love with my fake persona and reject the real
me who’s a messy, vulnerable dork.
I’m probably autistic, yet honestly, it seems like autism is
just being yourself without wearing a social mask and what
people think is normal is actually just really fucking
weird. Autism feels really comfortable to me. When I meet
most other autistics, I’m like ya, and it just feels
right to hang out. But autism is just a word, and though
I’ve latched onto it quite a bit because it feels like it
makes sense to me and like it’s a missing link to
understanding myself, I also think it’s an institutional
construct that doesn’t really mean anything.
I don’t know what the fuck about what the fuck, but deep
inside I just don’t want to be here and I don’t know how to
reconcile that. I’m scared inside. I’m scared of so many
things. I don’t want to be hurt by people anymore. I just
want one or two good things in my life to balance out all of
the hardcore stuff I’ve been through and am dealing with and
will continue to deal with. I don’t want to do everything
alone all of the time. I‘m an independent person and I like
being alone a lot, but it would just be really nice to have
a little bit of support. But I’m scarred and I’m scared. So
for now I’m staying alone and keeping myself protected.