September 2020

I’m 41 now and working on accepting being alone, accepting being in my body, and accepting that I’m getting older and that my skin is no longer trampoline tight. There's so much pressure in this society for women to stay eternally youthful, and there’s so much value put on our physical appearance and bodies. In some ways it’s a bit relieving to be like hey I’m a woman proper now and I can hold myself up high and let my hair go silver, and I don’t need a posse of other girls around me, or a boyfriend or husband or children. Maybe that will come in time, but I've just never met anyone I could see myself being compatible with in the long-term. I’m not going to settle for something that isn’t a really solid match. I’m not going to continue with the toxic relationship patterns of my fore-bearers, and that's proved more difficult than I had imagined to rewire. I’ve realized that the threads that bind me to dark and twisted love entanglements grow long and deep into my ancestral and societal roots.

So I don’t really know where that leaves me at this point? Just standing on a precipice, looking around nervously, wondering what’s next. I often feel a tug from the space in between my pelvis and solar plexus; a heavy pull from a dark place, subtle at times, and forceful and crippling at others. It’s like I’m tethered to some black hole within my internal cosmology that wants to draw my deeper and deeper into into a dark womb. And then what? Do I take the plunge and ctb? Or do I go through another spiritual vortex and get birthed back into this body again? I don’t know. I don’t know anything. Though I sure do cry a lot. Maybe I can build a raft out of drift wood and sail out to some unknown sea and find a place with purple skies, emerald waters and dayglo sea anemones? To a new landscape where the paths are no longer so variegated and treacherous, and without so many purgatorial crossroads to get stuck in; and a soft, inner lamplight glowing the way, bringing a recognition that I'm more than just flesh, bone and angst.