October 23rd 2022

One thing I’m realizing as I come out of a 13 or so year portal of darkness and confusion is that I write a lot more when I’m feeling shitty than when I’m feeling good. I tend to get swept up into the spontaneity of good times when they come and get really ungrounded, which I’m pretty sure exacerbates my melancholy when I end up in a dark place again some time following. So I’m writing this while I’m feeling pretty good. Not super great or manic, just fairly content. I think one thing that has plagued me for most of my life for various reasons, is that I’ve often felt like I don’t quite fit in anywhere and have had a tendency to hold up on a pedestal the lives of others who I perceive to be more interesting, fulfilling or “cool” than my own. Yet when I’ve been a part of various scenes that are perceived as cool or become friends with people of high social status or hubris, I generally find that it’s a whole lot of mess. A lot of the time those who go to the greatest lengths to present an image of confidence and coolness are some of the loneliest and most insecure people you could ever meet. And often those who have high social status and who are overly concerned about what others think and creating compelling images on themselves on social media, aren’t exactly the best friends. At least for the likes of me, who are reliable, emotionally supportive and generous. It’s a one way ticket to being taken advantage of and used. But I have myself to blame in part, as I’ve so often felt like I can’t stand on my own in social situations, and have sometimes conceded to those who are more gregarious than myself or who pull me out of my shell or tow the line socially, so I don’t have to face my anxieties or put too much effort in.

If I were to be put in some kind of arbitrary, Western, societally prescribed category, I would likely be considered as Aspergersy* female who has learned to mask and has frequent meltdowns in private (and sometimes in public) in backlash for all the emotional labour I do to function in the world. Part of the kinship us aspergersey people share is that we’re often introverted and it takes us a long time to develop social skills. Though in the past couple of years I’m really starting to feel like I can be myself and stand on my own socially, without drugs or alcohol to help me.

There are also so many other factors to be considered when it comes to social and emotional development, though for the sake of staying somewhat on track here I’ll keep things narrowed down to the aspects of myself that correspond to the high intellect side of the autism spectrum. And within that, I’m hesitant to see these traits as a disease, although I appreciate that for many people it is a significant disability and that functionality is radically variable within the autism spectrum. For myself, I can see how many traits that I had when I was younger were very off-putting and I’m glad that I’ve learned to overcome some of them. At the same time, there are many aspects of myself, and others I’ve met who consider themselves neurodivergent or who have been diagnosed, that are quite lovely (like being loyal friends and paying attention to the finer details of life) and who are crushed by the soul sucking mainstream status obsessed society that we live in. I’m not sure how neurodiversity is handled in other cultures - and sadly, shallow Western mainstream garbage is taking over the whole world.

And as far as feeling okay inside of myself goes, and getting back to the point here, I just feel less concerned about what others think and I’m not comparing myself to others as much or idealizing the personas of others or getting sucked in to the social media masks that so many present to the world - because it isn’t who people really are. It’s not real life.

Another big part of being a bit of an outsider, neurodivergent, hypersensitive and not fitting in socially is carrying around a lot of shame around being alone. I’ve been beating the fuck up out of myself about this for far too many years and I’m starting to ease off on that in a huge way. I really like the city I’ve ended up in now as there are a lot of other creative loner types around and I get into a lot of great casual interactions, yet I also feel like I need this time for myself right now to molt into whoever the fuck I’m going to become after I get shit out of this cosmic butthole that I’ve been stewing inside for way too fucking long - too scared to freefall into the void until I find a new portal to surf in to.

THE VOID ISN'T THE END. IT'S NOT A CHASM. It's a birthing chamber.

So much of my anxiety has been that I’m not comfortable in my body because my body carries all my trauma from this life and lives that I’ve lived before. I’m learning to breathe and to keep my body strong and eat healthy and let dark energies move through me more easily so I don’t fall into cynicism and despair.

So for tonight, I’m eating a sugar free oatmeal cookie, dandelion drink with hazelnut milk and watching Critters.



*Hans Asperger who coined the tern “Aspergers” was literally a Nazi and many choose not to use this term. Nonetheless, it has become a commonly understood way of describing those on the autism spectrum who have low support needs and who are often intellectually inclined. Making a distinction between myself and people on the spectrum who have high support needs makes sense to me. But even that is problematic as I feel that our society puts such a huge emphasis on intellectual achievements and how well each person can produce for the Western corporate machine, and humans are so much more than our minds and our bank accounts.

Although I have intellectual gifts that were clear in my adolescence, I also feel that many humans who are non-verbal, or who can’t read and who aren’t able to produce for the capitalist system can also be extremely gifted in ways that are not appreciated by society - such as visually, emotionally and spiritually. I also feel that many of us who are labelled autistic or who have autistic traits are hyper sensitive to our surroundings and are often projected onto and emotionally and spiritually dumped on by others, and a lot of our behaviour that seems off-putting is in response to our environment.  And there is so much wrong with Western education systems, it’s too much for me to get into right now..