Tuesday November 8th

The intensity of the full moon eclipse has been building up over the past few days and I’ve been anxious and emotional and going through a helter skelter of chaotic thoughts, over-analyzations, ruminations and circles of self-deprecating introspection. I dreamt last night that I was in the 60’s and living in a rural area away from society in a large villa. I was a shapeshifter taking on the skins of many different characters and my perspective was constantly changing. I was also myself at times as a bit player and I recall one scene where I was seeing myself in the mirror as myself and I was way older and seeing folds of flesh along my waistline. I was looking deeply into myself and watching my body wilt and my face become more vulnerable.

The dream revolved mainly around the life and exploits of one man who was in about his late 40’s or early 50’s and he lived with his shrewd and meddling mother. They were both embezzling money from the townsfolk and everyone around them and they were amassing a fortune. The man had a young, voluptuous girlfriend with thick, straight, long dark hair with layers and blunt bangs, like a character from an early Mario Bava film. She dressed in high fashion with high heels and wore just enough makeup to accentuate her full lips and round auburn eyes, yet not look trashy or overdone. She had a thick Eastern European accent and the man in the dream and his difficult mother were very controlling towards her, yet she exuded self confidence and navigated the complexities of the household with grace and humility.

The man in the dream embodied an archetype of alpha masculinity in the way he presented himself to the world and many were charmed by his personality. Yet underneath the surface, he was falling apart and was overwhelmed by the force of his ruthless mother who had full control of all of the household affairs and directed his every move. She was often on the sidelines barking orders out to him, and he always complied, though became more and more dejected. And in turn he attempted to control his girlfriend more and more.

The characters in the dream were higher class but living very simply and nature was ever present. I think they were in Southern Italy in the countryside somewhere.

The mother character left the home at one point to run some errands in a nearby town and the young girlfriend took the opportunity to rob the family of their entire fortune. At first the man is serving soup to all of the country folk, who love him dearly and don’t realize that he’s been taking from them and financially abusing them. I become him as he’s serving up soup into the same take-out containers we use at my work and his mother (my mother) is telling him (me) in every detail how he (I) must conduct himself and then she leaves.

I then slip into the body the young girlfriend and I become her. At some point I get in a conversation with someone who’s visiting the villa. We talk about sex and casual sex and end up talking about how Germans are in bed and I’m like well, you might not realize it but Germans are really slutty; they’re responsible with things like using condoms and safe sex, but they’re actually quite slutty. Latin men are slutty too but less concerned about whether they get you pregnant or not.

I wait until the townspeople have all left and I end up tying the man up and I leave him with his pants partway down and I video tape him. I’m taking everything from him: money, dignity and heart; and he’s shrilling in pain, both emotional and physical, as I keep him restrained. And he must know he’ll have to contend with his mother when she arrives home.

I’m very methodical about how I’m going about things. I’ve been planning this for a long time. I don’t feel bad because him and his mother are terrible people. They deserve to suffer. As I’m gathering up all of the money from the various hiding spots I’ve been keeping track of, I pass by a mirror and I see a flash of bleach blonde appear in my hair. I don’t know why.

I feel pretty fucked up but I know that things are going to be okay. I’ve been doing a lot of yoga, meditation and dance and it’s saving me. It was snowing last night and I walked out in the blistery night to get some groceries. I ran into a guy I know somewhat from Ada'itsx Fairy Creek and we had such an awkward interaction the last time we talked that I didn’t initially approach him and tried to avoid him but we ran right into each other in the aisle and it seemed like he wanted talk to me but I ignored him. It seems likely that he’s neurodivergent and I wish that I could be more compassionate towards him, yet his previous behaviour carried hints of misogyny and I don’t got time for that shit.

The reality is that I don’t see myself being compatible with any of the guys I've been hanging out with and getting to know. It seemed exciting at first and then it quickly became exhausting and hurtful to deal with immature and manipulative behaviour, even when I know it’s rooted in insecurity. I really feel better about myself when I’m alone, and I’m more clear headed and focused.

I understand that a lot of men have been emotionally abused and taken advantage of by women and that many men are deeply emotional creatures. At the same time, I’ve never treated men poorly. I’ve never cheated on a partner, I’ve never taken advantage of any man financially or been anything less than completely honest and sincere. I’ve gone out of my way to be supportive to all of the men I’ve been with and have never felt the same returned from any of them.

I’m tired. I’m tired of being projected on to, demonized, controlled, objectified, lied to, betrayed, cheated on, emotionally abused, flaked out on and manipulated. And then so often the men I’ve been with come back months or years later telling me how much they love me! That’s not love!

I don’t do that shit to others and I’m tired of others doing it to me!!