I went out last night to a social event, actually it was
burlesque performances featuring voluptuous femmes, queer and
trans people, and had one of the most beautiful land
acknowledgements I’ve experienced by Brianna Bear who’s
Songhees and Kwakiutl. I was hanging out with 2 friends and a
group of other people I hadn’t met, and everyone was really
lovely and warm and friendly and I couldn’t have asked for a
better circle to be a part of. Nonetheless, before the event
even started I felt terrible anxiety and I started breathing
more shallow and I was having a really hard time following the
different conversations that were happening, and I was fading
in and out of body awareness and feeling light headed and
nauseous and overcome with feelings of wanting to leave.
My friend I came with ended up leaving, walking back to her
place and then returning later on with special ear plugs that
block out background noise. I think she must have sensed that
I also felt overwhelmed as she started to comment on how over
stimulated she felt. I could sense as she was talking how
stressful it was for her to be in that space, and even though
I felt for her, I was comforted knowing that I wasn’t alone.
This friend was one of the first neurodivergent people I
connected with after I realized that I was on the spectrum,
though they have more expressions that are associated with
ADHD, and I have more expressions that are associated with
Aspergers. I sometimes forget about their neurodiversity, as
they can appear very outgoing at times when I feel very drawn
inward, and they regularly perform and speak in front of
crowds, which is one of my biggest terrors. Yet in this
moment, as we both shared our mutual feelings of near meltdown
being in the space we were in, I realized that we had similar
internal landscapes; yet the way that we processed and
expressed ourselves was very different. She seemed hyper
alert, and I was shutting down.
I’ve had other close friends who've been diagnosed with ADHD
and we’ve commented on the complementary nature of ADHD and
Autism, and how in many ways we seem to be the total opposite
of each other, yet have a strong kinship. And, interestingly,
there are times when I’ve been doing creative projects or
complex tasks with a person who has ADHD traits, and we end up
being a great team because we balance each other out and can
support each other in the areas that we struggle with. For
instance, I can often see nuances in a situation that go
unnoticed by others, but I struggle to see how everything fits
together in a project or in getting initially inspired.
Whereas many of my ADHD friends will get a wild idea and throw
themselves into it, reaching out for social support and kick
starting it. I’m good at seeing things through and making sure
small details aren’t overlooked.
These are total generalizations, and I feel like many of us
can express aspects of both Autism and ADHD at different
times, though generally I've seen some patterns in the way
that Autistic and ADHD people can relate to each other. There
can be a lot of clashes if we let ourselves get triggered, but
on a deeper level I think we’re connected energetically and
can be great friends.
Anyway, after seeing some amazing performances, once the
intermission came I knew that I had to leave and go home. It
was just too much.
It's times like these that I feel like being on the spectrum
really is a disability, and I feel like there’s no place for
me in the world, if I can’t feel safe in such a beautiful and
welcoming space surrounded by such kind people. I feel more at
home in forest, but with that comes a deep sadness watching
them dwindle further and further. The last time I went up
island to visit my folks I saw logging truck after logging
truck barrelling down the highway. A sink hole opens up in my
heart when I think about all that’s being destroyed. And it’s
hard to be here in the city watching people sip cocktails and
socialize while the world burns down around us. I grieve for
myself and that I feel so isolated, and I grieve for the
suffering that goes on all over the world as people rape,
murder, starve and displace each other for land and resources.
There’s enough to go around but we don’t know how to share.
The solutions are so simple yet we make a mess out of
everything. And we damage ourselves so terribly in the
process.
I want to connect with others but I feel like I just can’t or
don’t know how. Some part of my soul longs for sitting around
a campfire listening to long stories and laughing heartedly,
and being real. I just can’t get in to the modern world.