November 27 2022

I extracted myself from a solo thrash session to Fugazi’s Waiting Room to write this piece because I was like fuck I really don’t write enough when I’m feeling good and my life is really starting to get better after a solid 13+ years of feeling like I want to jump of a cliff everyday and I know that there are a lot of us who feel this way and that I’m very fortunate in many ways to have had the time and space to deal with a lot of my dark feelings and go into nature and go to punk and metal shows and release the poison in my heart.

I was on the phone a couple of days ago with my mom sobbing together after hearing some terrible news about a close family friend who took his life in the heat of the moment. It’s so heartbreaking and well I guess what started out as a lighter piece of writing about my excitement over some reprieve from my inner torment is now quickly segueing into a heavy topic, but an important one. I’ve been thinking a lot about what men are going through collectively since hearing about this tragedy. In Canada, men account for 3 out of every 4 suicides, and Inuit, Indigenous, Queer and Trans men experience disproportionately higher rates of suicide.

I’ve been hurt by men. A lot. On many levels. But I also see how men are hurting themselves in trying to live up to the toxic models of masculinity that have been perpetuated by society. A lot of this is tied into Western capitalism and patriarchal religious systems. And well, getting back to Fugazi, I can’t think of a better role model of healthy masculinity than Ian Mackaye, who wrote a song about sexual harassment from the perspective of a woman... in 1988! And being a female who has had a lot of close male friends over the years dating back to early childhood, I’ve seen many examples of beautiful, sensitive empowered masculinity in my life, and I’m very thankful for that.

I want men to be happy and healthy and feel okay to talk about what’s going on inside of their hearts and minds and feel supported and loved by their families and greater society. I also want to see men grow up emotionally and become accountable for their harmful behaviour and know that there is a path forward, and that they can heal and be forgiven and accepted.

I don’t have all the answers. I don’t always know how to hold space for men, especially when they become abusive. But I know that so many men are suffering in silence and I feel shattered that someone so close to my family is no longer alive.

People talk a lot about toxic masculinity yet rarely talk about toxic femininity. I have been just as traumatized in different ways by women as I have by men throughout my life. I’ve heard some people attribute toxic femininity as another symptom of the patriarchy; and though this may be true, I don’t believe that it negates women from any responsibility and accountability for their own oppressive behaviour. For many years I was deeply misogynistic myself, having experienced so much abuse and bullying from wounded women. And in may ways I became toxic and abusive. I was often super insensitive towards men, not recognizing that under the surface of arrogance and defensiveness they were just as sensitive as I was. I was also insensitive to my own feelings, and when I did start to get in touch with my deeper emotions, I became overwhelmed and hyper sensitive, blowing out and having radical mood swings. I’m now trying to find a balance where I can be strong and have good boundaries yet also be sensitive and caring.

I went to a hardcore punk show this past weekend and it was incredible. I only caught the last band because it was an early show and I was hiding under the covers after a day of customer service and when I checked the event listing I realized I was going to miss the show if I didn’t get my ass over to Esquimalt immediately. I threw myself together and bolted down the street, catching the bus just as it pulled up to the canopied stop. I got there as the last band, Punitive Damage, were setting up and went straight to the bathroom so I could sit in one of the stalls for a few minutes and collect myself together before going out into the crowd by myself.

I’ve been mostly sober for 12 years now and I think I’ve probably talked about this before but I’m going to talk about it again: I thought that I would feel really good and that my whole life would turn around for the better, but in reality, being sober has been really fucking hard. For one thing, I now feel all of my feelings unfiltered and have had to confront all of the the things that I started using drugs and alcohol to escape from. And a big part of that is that I struggle socially and have terrible anxiety that is akin to a lair of insects hatching out from my solar plexus every time I leave the house or go to a social event. Knowing that there’s something I can take that will melt this all away instantaneously is hard to resist. I’ve had plenty of slip ups and some of them were pretty gnarly, but I still consider myself a sober person because those slip ups are negligible smudges on a solid path of healing.

But anyway, I’ve had to navigate social situations and fears in the raw and it’s an ongoing process, but little by little it's getting easier. Since coming to Victoria and feeling so shattered by so many sudden deaths happening so closely together, I was drawn back into the folds of punk and metal as a way of coping with the grief. I would look for a place to hide in a corner at a show and slowly, as the music played, I would get drawn in and become totally possessed by the energy and intensity. Going to shows sober has been such an incredible experience, as has been going totally alone in a city where I don't know anyone. For so many years when I was part of various sub-cultural scenes, the music was secondary to socializing and substance use and I rarely focused entirely on the band that was playing. So it’s been really cool to absorb myself entirely into the musical experience and to get comfortable standing on my own.

Punitive Damage were so fucking great but too short - I wanted them to play for 5 more hours.

I ended up talking to someone at the bus stop on the way back home and realized what some part of me knew already but forgot – that hardcore punk music has straight edge roots and I should be going to more hardcore shows.

This was also the first time someone tried to talk to me at a show where I was able to have a decent conversation and feel pretty comfortable. I’m definitely a lot less bushed these days haha Also I’m pretty sure that this person who chatted me up was a fellow neurodivergent given our instantaneous intellectual kinship, over-sharing and lack of social media use.


https://www.noecho.net/features/punitive-damage-band-interview