December 02 2023

It’s really painful for me to write this and I don’t mean to make any of the great friends who are in my life feel bad, because I really love them and am so thankful to have them, and I’m not looking to cut anyone out – but, nonetheless, I’ve never had the kind of consistent, considerate, loving and nurturing friendships that I long for. And it’s been upsetting because I’m able to be all of those things for other people, but I’ve yet to make connections with others who can be the same for me. I’ve sometimes tried to justify this by telling myself that part of my spiritual path is to support others without expecting anything in return, and I do that often - yet I often find myself in place where I’m quite broken mentally and spiritually – and deeply, deeply lonely.

I was talking to a counsellor last night, which turned into a more of a conversation of us mutually opening up to each other, and I was wanting to know how she coped with working through people's trauma with them all day long.  We talked about neurodiversity, and we talked about friendships. She made a small group of friends in University who she still keeps in touch with and it sounds like they're very bonded with each other; and she said that she was in a bad way after work in the middle of the night some time ago and that one of her friends was very much there for her. It made me think about what it means to be a friend and to have a friend. And it’s not that I don’t have friends, because I really do, and many of them are there for me in huge ways and we will be very close at times - but there’s no consistency. And often when I reach out or when I’m in need they just aren’t around or they brush me off when I start to talk about the stuff that I’m going through. Sometimes it’s difficult because I’ll support someone through some very petty troubles whilst dealing with super heavy trauma myself, and the person seems totally oblivious to my feelings. And it’s not that I don’t want to be there for people, because I really do, but I would feel a lot better about it if I had a better support network for myself. And maybe part of why I don’t is because I’ve convinced myself that the friendships that I have are more than what they are. And I haven’t been bold enough to put myself out there and meet people who can see all of me.


MANAGING NEURODIVERSITY

My life is at a bit of a dead end right now. Not that I don’t plan on digging a portal through a nearby garden bed and crawling out into another dimension. But for now I’ve got my back up against the wall.

I’m reflecting a lot on how I can manage my neurodiversity and what I need for myself so I don’t get into a mental health crisis. It’s difficult to acknowledge how much I’ve struggled with work, relationships and housing throughout my life; through perhaps comforting knowing that it’s really common for those of us on the spectrum. Now that I’ve stepped away from my job I recognize that I won’t be able to work at a regular job ever again, and I’m excited to be starting my own business, even though I know it’ll be a lot of hard work, and I’m sure it will come with some big frustrations along the way. The nice thing though is that I won't have no boss, and I can manage my own hours and only take on what I think I can handle. If I get overwhelmed it'll be because I’m letting my ego get carried away about how much I can accomplish, which I’m sure I’ll do a few times before I find a flow. Yet here I am trying to make plans for my future, and it seems like things never quite come together how I think they will, and I really don’t don’t wtf I’m doing with my life and haven’t for a very long time.

But ya, the whole managing neurodiversity thing, I think a big think is that there are huge ebbs and flows in they way that I can be functional, and I reckon part of that is lunar, interstellar, and inter-planetary, because what is called Autism on plant earth also has a lot of cross-over into the psychic and paranormal realms; and maybe part of why most of us feel a connection to nature and why nature calms us is because our nervous systems want to be in tune with the natural world, not technology and industry and capitalism.

But for the moment, I’m very much part of the capitalist system, and will have to engage with the system to some degree in order to get this business going. Yet the dream of being a crazed hedge witch in the forest on a remote northern gulf island persists.