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December 20 2023
As I write this I’m listening to a musical project called
Windows 96, an homage to an operating system that never was, or
only existed in the land of fantasies; which also applies to
many thing about my life that I had hoped for, and then I ended
up compensating for not materializing by creating imaginary
lives in my head to avoid the grief of facing reality as it is.
I’ve been going through some big emotional releases lately,
though thankfully I’ve managed to avoid self-harm and have been
hovering just on the fringes of self-destruction, yet never
quite going over the edge. I’m making a huge effort to be more
gentle with myself when it comes to how much physical exercise I
do and I’m eating a lot more regularly, which I realized was
often the cause of a lot of mental disorientation and
ungrounding.
The big theme in my life right now is “Internal Validation”, and
it feels like the culmination of forces that have been working
in the background for many years, but I’m only now feeling
things clicking in to place within myself. It’s a really common
thing that we humans do in seeking validation from outside of
ourselves, and it’s in hyper drive right now with social media.
Not that we should never care at all what anyone thinks, because
our relationships can be really powerful mirrors to help us heal
and grow; but if we put too much emphasis on constant approval
and validation from the outside world, we can lose touch with
ourselves.
I often feel torn by my desire for belonging and my need to stay
true to myself, and more and more the need to stay true to
myself is overshadowing everything else. Getting connected to my
body and breath and being able to stay in the present moment is
helping me understand how I let my energy get depleted by
external crapola, and how I’ve let myself get manipulated by
others in many circumstances. I’ve been spending so much time
alone lately and it really sucked at first because I was feeling
so lonely and upset and ashamed, but now I’m starting to feel
really liberated. I’m also seeing more clearly how I need to be
really careful who I let in to my inner sanctum.
Lots of friendships are fading away or fading in to the
background and I’m really starting to connect to myself for the
first time since I was a teenager. I have no clue where my life
will take me in the coming years but I‘m very glad to have a
home and to be able to go through all of my possessions, and
finish off creative projects.
Also: I gave myself a wolf cut. I was trying to wait until the
lunar new year but I couldn’t. I was overcome with the desire
yesterday and it turned out great, aroooooooooo!!!!!
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This website is kind of one big internal validation project
cause I’ve really put myself out there and made myself
vulnerable, and as I’ve written about elsewhere on this site: I
ended up being cyber bullied for the first time in my life. I
was receiving a lot of praise and feedback in the beginning when
I was posting mostly poetry and travel pics, but when I started
to get more political people backed away, or got downright
angry. I had to confront the parts of me that wanted validation
and felt sad to lose the connection that I had with the
Neocities community. But I kept writing and publishing, and now
I mostly get silence. Thousand and thousands of people have
checked out my site, yet few ever leave feedback or comment.
It’s a strange feeling, but it does lead me to wonder if a lot
of the people who come on here haven't ever been exposed to a
lot of the ideas I’m sharing, and that I’m affecting greater
change by having people come through here who might be
indifferent or feel put-off, rather than having an echo chamber.
Either way, the lack of any feedback has pushed me to be more
and more authentic, and create content that’s deeply satisfying
for me and feels totally true to who I am. I really do write
this page for myself now, and I’ve really enjoyed putting it
together. It’s exactly what I wanted it to be, and more, and I'm
trusting that the right people will find what inspires them, or
agitates them into transformation.
And all this talk of internal validation filters down into
something else that’s been inspiring me lately, and that is: the
amazing and wonderful world of non-monastic Tibetan Buddhism,
which I uncovered when I went on a stint learning about Tibet
and then came upon the works of Ian baker, who I only know
through his online videos; and he’s an author of many books
about Tibet, Buddhism and tantra, which were all inspired by his
extensive travels.
I've hit a lot of walls in my personal experiences with Buddhist
and Yogic communities, even when it’s presented through a punk
rock lense, in the case of Noah Levine’s DIY Dharma or Hardcore
Zen by Brad Warner. Both had too much dogmatic Buddhism
and not enough of the punk rock ethos of the authors (which you
think might have addressed some of the oppressive, hierarchical,
misogynistic, pedophilic, corrupt aspects of Buddhism, but they
did not). And then Noah Levine turned out to be a pervo (he
denies it of course, but isn’t is funny how pretty much every
single person accused of sexual misconduct is somehow innocent
form their own perspective?). And although I found the Vipassana
centres to be the most sincere community that I encountered, I
still found the practices to be extremely dogmatic, and cult-ish
in forbidding the exploration of other practices. And there are
organizations like Shambalah, Sivananda, Ashtanga, Bikram,
Rocklyn Yoga ashram (Satyananda) that are wrought with sexual
abuse and corruption.
Yet I’m conflicted, as I’ve gotten so much personal healing out
of the meditation and asana practices and I was drawn back in to
regular yoga practice after first arriving in Victoria. I ended
up leaving the first studio that I went to because there were
people teaching there who were still faithful to Bikram (despite
a name change) and a general vibe of being rigid and lacking in
trauma sensitivity. So I signed up a a different studio that’s
more woke and they're overall super great; and the main teacher
who I take classes from is a woman from India who’s deeply
devoted to an authentic practice. I feel very lucky to be
learning from her.
Getting back into the yoga zone, dealing with my feelings and
finding moments of inner peace has drawn me back into learning
about Buddhism, and this Ian Baker guy has brought some unique
underground streams into the foreground. It’s really cool
because in remote parts of Tibet there are many female
practitioners, and rather than being something you go off and do
in a far away land and leave your family behind in order to
explore, spiritual practice is woven into the fabric of daily
life; and it’s a much more earthy and balanced version of
spirituality that doesn’t involve renunciation, but rather
exploration of the senses in a healthy way.
I remembered again this morning about a book called the Völva
Stav Manual, where the author (Kari C. Tauring), draws
comparisons between the Norse tree of life and the Yogic chakra
centres, highlighting their common Indo-European roots. It’s a
reminder that we’re all one, and from the same source of
creation.
Corruption is to be found in the governing and organizational
structures of all societies and religious systems, yet
underneath there is always truth to be found. And within each
society there are always individuals who are working for peace
and liberation of all of humanity. When the common people can
look away from celebrities, technology, governments and
religious institutions and seek out the wisdom, strength and
beauty that we all carry within, we can start dismantling the
bullshit that’s keeping us all enslaved and live in a new way. I
know that this may sound like a pipe dream, but I really think
it’s possible, and as much as I can I’m living my life in a way
that honours this path.
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