I quit my job on the spot just under a week ago. Emotions were piling up inside of me and I decided to take a couple of shots of a very old and very strong authentic bottle of French absinthe that I’ve had for over 10 years and use very sparingly. As that kicked in I brewed up 1 gram of psylocybin, which seemed like a small dose in comparison to the standard “heroic” doses I used to take as a teenager (3.5 grams), but whoa: it was potent!

I let the tea boil for about an hour, and during that time I had an emotional breakdown and started purging heavy feelings of sadness. As rivers of sorrow washed over me I started to remember one incident where I was burned alive and then another one where I had been gang raped. I felt so much terror and helplessness, and I realized that I was often seen as a sacrificial goat in societal situations that I entered into.

The role of the scapegoat in human societies is deeply embedded and people do it quite unconsciously, though I also feel that it’s something we need to move beyond, both in micro environments and also on a broader scale when it comes to marginalized people, and people who live in unconventional ways.

A really good example of how scapegoating plays out is that Indigenous people are often singled out as being alcoholics, but studies have shown that European communities have higher rates of alcoholism than Indigenous communities. It may be that many Indigenous people experience lack of housing and poverty so we see them out in the street more when they’re suffering. And for White communities, being able to point fingers at Indigenous people alleviates our own shame and guilt, and helps maintain a veneer of social order.

It seems like the masses of humanity aren’t too eager to make the real changes that need to be made for us to all to live harmoniously with each other and the ecosystems around us. And I often feel very alone in wanting to address the systemic issues that we’re facing and live in a truly sustainable way.

I just can’t participate in the mass destruction that’s happening on this planet. I feel very out of place in the highly industrialized and commodified world around me. A lot of my values are more in line with that of religious groups who are strict about their lifestyle and media exposure, and it’s too bad the Mennonites are such bible thumpers, or I’d be all over that shit.

We can’t purchase out way out of an ecological crisis. We can't fix our traumas by projecting them on to others. We gotta chill out and root down.

But rooting down means connecting the pain we carry in our hearts and souls.. and that night after drinking absinthe, so much pain rose up from within me, and then I cut myself a little bit to calm down and prepared some mushroom tea. I added a couple of tablespoons of cacao and slowly drank it back. It kicked in faster than I though it would and my field of vision quickly became overwhelmed with colourful blossoming hallucinations. I surrendered to the trip and burrowed myself into a duvet on my bed.

I felt a sense of connecting to a deep part of what I thought might be the Aztec collective consciousness. I was seeing ancient images that were extremely bright and very beautiful and comforting; and with a lot of hot pink, purple, poppy red, bright blue and bubble gum colours swirling in and out of each other in complex fractally patterns. In the moment I reflected on how every other time I’d taken a big dose of mushrooms they'd been locally harvested, so this was a totally different type of consciousness being opened up within me.

My trip took me on a journey through all of the things that are going on in my subconscious right now. The deeper essence of everything I was facing was revealed in a very visual way; and I was absorbing the experience on a physical and intuitive level, rather than intellectually. There were aspects of the experience that were incredibly beautiful and aspects that were darker, denser and more complex. I realized that there was a lot of other people’s energy attached to me, and I was working to clear that out. I was also hyper-fixating on the hurt feelings I had from my work and the unreciprocated feelings of a person that I had a big crush on; and as the trip expanded I was able to see these challenges in a greater context and not put so much importance on them.

Before the trip I pulled three tarot cards from my Rohrig deck for inspiration, and I got the 8 of Wands the 8 of Cups and the Hierophant. I interpreted that to mean that there were situations in my life where I would be required to communicate very clearly and openly and from a place of wisdom, compassion and inner strength; and that in doing this I would be able to overcome my feelings of being depleted and over-giving.

The trip really started to explode and I wasn’t expecting the experience to be as intense as they were. At times my body was thrashing around, and then would seize up. I would tell myself to surrender even further and then I’d enter into another vortex.

Much of what was revealed to me was coming from what I now understand as the Mezatec world consciousness, and the journey was rooted in visuals and messages from that cultural wisdom. I was also taken into portals where I was exploring the consciousness of the coastal people who’s lands I live on. I felt as if I was being held and guided in a very beautiful way by each of these cultures, and that I was being brought in deeply so I could connect to the heart and soul of the earth, and be reminded about the inter-connectivity of everyone and everything.

At times I was shivering and other times sweating, and I felt a cool ocean breeze wafting in from my window. I got up periodically to drink tea and water, and to pee; and then I would return into the folds of my duvet to ride out the experience.

As the dayglo visions began to subside and my body began to relax, some darker images started to fill my brain: spiders, lizards and grey and black swirls. I started to hear sounds in the apartment like there was some kind of creature in here and my cat ran under the bed and started growling and wouldn’t come out for a long time. Then she came up on to the bed and curled up beside me. I initially felt terrified and then I decided that I wouldn't be scared and I told whatever was out there that I was more powerful than they were, and that they could leave out the window and let the wind carry them away.

Then I started to feel like I needed some fresh air so I put on a big jacket and some gum boots and went out for a walk. There were some stars out and I could see the haze of the nearly full moon radiating out from behind the buildings downtown. I sat in my friend’s car I’m borrowing while he’s out of town and I felt very cozy in there with the windows open and the streets so silent all around me.

I walked back to my place and was hungry as heck so made a vegan BLT sandwich and scarfed it down. Then I felt compelled to tear open a bag of cacao butter, and I ate some big chunks of it. It was rich, soothing and delicious, and I washed it down with a lot water, and then lied down on my bed again. I was still tripping out quite a bit so I got up and put on the Virgin Prune's Heresie LP, the second live disk, and I danced in my living room until the sun came up.

The day following my trip I looked up the mushrooms I had taken and they were called “Maria Sabina”, who I learned to be a shaman woman from Mexico of the Mezatec people. It was on my mind throughout my trip that I was being brought into a world that I knew very little of and the idea of cultural appropriation began to enter my consciousness as I reflected more deeply on the experience.

I was saddened to read that Maria Sabina was heavily exploited by the Europeans who “discovered” her, as they put it, and brought her people's medicines to the wider public. She herself suffered terribly from the exposure, was ostracized from her community, her son was murdered and she died in poverty. In reading about her life and the popularization of psychedelics in the West, I began to see how exploitative and commodified the psychedelic experience has become, and I was disturbed by my own complicity in it. I began exploring deeper into these issues and came across a really great discussion between Paul Stamets, Katsi Cook, and Francoise Bourzat, where they dive into these complexities and offer a path forward.

Check out the article here: https://bioneers.org/sacred-medicines-creativity-evolution-paradigm-shift/

Another great article: here

I also did some further research into the Mezatec people as they are today and the struggles that they're facing, and I made a financial contribution the revitalization of their language:

Indigenous Medicine Conservation Fund

I’ve been reflecting on further offerings I can give on a spiritual level*, as I think that a big part of the European / Western collective consciousness is that we think that we can just take whatever we want from other humans and the natural world and that there will never be any consequences; and that we never have to give back in any way, or make retribution for harm that we cause.

I’ve been given so much healing in the taking of this medicine, and with that I’ll work even harder to protect this beautiful earth that I live upon.


INTEGRATION OF THE PSYCHEDELIC EXPERIENCE

Using psychedelics more responsibly is a new thing for me; as like many of my generation, and many in the West, I’ve often taken psychedelics in unreasonably high doses, in unsafe settings and haven't given myself time to integrate and assimilate the expanded levels of consciousness and darker subconscious elements that were revealed to me. I do believe that there’s incredible healing potential in the use of various psychedelics, yet there's also a risk of further complicating mental health issues and throwing people over the edge, so to speak. I know of several people who were permanently damaged from their psychedelic usage (all of the cases were from high amounts of LSD intake). I also damaged myself a lot from taking so much LSD at such a young age.

In this most recent trip I went from reliving past life traumas, feeling totally and utterly supported and loved by the universe and seeing the beauty and connectivity of all living essence, then I was haunted by a demonic entity; and then yesterday I was feeling very anxious, emotional, vulnerable and unsettled all throughout the day. I had a big nap in the afternoon and I wasn’t feeling like eating much, though made sure that I drank a lot of water and tea and decided to get a fast food beyond meat burger cause I knew that I didn’t have it in me to cook for myself.

I drove out to a Star Park to watch the full moon rise as it burned red on the horizon, and as I drove back into the city along the waterfront it grew larger and larger. It had been a long time since I primal screamed from the pits of my soul and I was planning to go deep into nature somewhere to let out all of my gremlins; but as I drove through the sprawls of the ultra rich homes in Oak Bay, emotions that have been building up within me for months unleashed themselves and wretched out in a violent and uncontainable fury. When I got home the moon was glowing full and casting it’s light down the street where I parked and all along the harbour.

I lied in bed and I cried and cried and cried some more. Then I slept deeply and had strange dreams all throughout the night that I didn’t have the energy to scribe. Most of what’s coming out of my subconscious lately is meaningless detritus, and also some moments where I feel like I do belong in the world. I remember one snippet where a guy appeared in my dream who held my hand while we were outside watching the stars. It wasn’t a romantic encounter, just a kind and supportive friendship.

When I woke up this morning I thought about all of the things I need to do in the practical world, and I had plans to go to WorkBC, but I really didn’t feel like I could deal with anything like that in my embryonic state. It was sunny and beautiful outside but I couldn’t be a part of it. I closed my window to block out the industrial noise from the nearby shipyard and I was in and out of my bed getting head rushes and making myself food and healthy drinks of herbal tea, ACV and cocoa.

I don’t know how long I'll need for this process. I’m not worrying about the fact that I just quit my job or that I might get a parking ticket if I don’t move my friend’s car soon. I’m trusting that everything will be okay and I’m chilling the fuck out.

Oh and another thing that's kind of freaky and interesting is that when I was reading further about the shamanic rituals of the Mezatec peoples, there was mention of cacao butter being consumed as part of the ceremony and that it was a night time ritual.

I feel very lucky to have had access to the cosmic wisdom of these beautiful people and that’s another reason why I want to give myself the time I need to fully absorb the messages I was given from the beyond and not squander these insights.


BEING AN INTROVERT

I had a really great discussion with a nonconformist person who came into the so-called Anarchist book store when I was volunteering there. His name was Chris and at first he was shy to hang out on the couches in there but I was like make yourself at home and stay as long as you like. We ended up talking for a long time and a big part of the conversation was about what being an introvert means, and he said something like it’s not about how social you are, it’s about how you get energized. And I totally related because I can be very social and outgoing at times and I’ve learned how to mask my neurodivergent quirks very well so I can get by in the world, but it comes at a cost.

In further dialogue with Chris, he also identified as neurodivergent (ADHD) and I feel the need to mention that nearly every person I’ve gotten to know on the streets has shown neurodivergent traits, and many identify as autistic or as “having” ADHD. In think that there are so many untold stories about how neurodiversity expresses itself in the underbelly of society, and if I had more time I’d be downtown interviewing people about their life experiences, because they have so much wisdom to share.

And ya, being an introvert as far as I understand is about getting one’s energy from inside of oneself and from the cosmos rather than feeding off of external social energy or group validation. I think that’s why many of us introverted types don’t like social media - because that’s not how we operate energetically and it puts a lot of pressure on us to be something that we aren’t. Social media use can also greatly contribute to feelings of social rejection and isolation among those of us who are loner types and keep a small group of close friends. Society as a whole puts so much emphasis on image and social status, and we just can’t live up to all of that.

I’m much more interested in how cool someone’s vinyl collection is, whether they’re honest and reliable, and whether I can trust them if I share the contents of my soul with them, than whether they get invited to cool parties, have thousands of followers on instagram or know so and so who’s in such and such a band, who's probably a douche bag anyway (source: a lot of time hanging out in in various underground music scenes scenes).

Sometimes I feel like a big loser because I don’t go out for days, and it feels like there’s a whole world out there but I’m just lying in my bed for hours and hours feeling like a bag of shit. But once I work through my pent up feelings, I enter into the wonderful land of JOMO (the Joy of Missing Out). The universe I’ve created within myself and the sanctuary of my tiny apartment feels so safe and comfortable, and I really don’t need much else for days and days; and then when I do go out it’s because I really want to. It’s hard to hold down a job or maintain friendships with this kind of disposition, though I tend to have friends who are similarly inclined and it tends to work out pretty good as we don’t take it personally if we don’t see each other for a while.

I’m in a bit of a catacomb right now and have much to do in the way of writing and creativity and sticking it to the man; and standing up and speaking my mind in away that's strong, yet also opens up a road for healing and growth. This is new for me. I’m so good at tearing people to shreds with my razor tongue or writing letters that cut people down to bone, but it’s isn’t productive and it doesn't feel good in my heart either. So I’m taking my time in expressing myself so that when I do it comes from a place of love, yet is also sincere and true to what I represent – which is the total transformation of the way we do almost everything on this planet. It all needs to change!

* In the days following my psychedelic experience I’ve done some spiritual offerings. I put the bag that the mushrooms came in that has the name “Maria Sabina” written on it in the centre of my altar and I said her name many times and spoke to her spirit and gave her thanks. I felt chills all over my body and knew that my offering was accepted.

I also went to a small weathered Coast Salish totem pole that’s near my apartment and I gave an offering of my hair. I do this fairly often, though this time I took a long time to speak the ancestors of this land and I thanked them for being a part of my psychedelic experience and guiding me and supporting me.

When I do these kinds of offerings I feel it in my whole body and I know that I’m connecting to the spirit world.