ALWAYS COCA COLA

On March 23rd 1997, I conducted an interview with a co-worker of mine named Daryll. I was working in Downtown Vancouver as a telephone interviewer. At the time, looking really alternative wasn’t as socially acceptable as it is today, and so there weren’t a ton of options for me having dropped out of high school and having a black mohawk, no eyebrows, a lot of scruffy black attire and zero social skills. I was hired on the spot with the agreement that I was wear a hat.

There were a lot of strange and unique individuals working at the telephone interviewing place. I became fascinated with Darryl after observing him drinking can after endless can of various colas, which he stored out on the fire escape to keep cold. This, and the extraction of his false teeth while we were out on the old fire escape for one of our smoke breaks one day, led me to inquire further.

So Daryll, how long have you been drinking cola for?
Since I was a small child. My mother loved to have it.

And when did you start drinking it regularly?
When I was 15. When I left home.

And when did you realize you had a problem?
Age age 19. I was 21 when my teeth got pulled. It was kind of strange because the teeth themselves weren’t rotten or anything but the constant drinking of cola left a film along my gum line which slowly ate away at the enamel causing the tooth to lose it's support. You could turn the whole tooth around in a circle like this (sticks his fingers in his mouth to demonstrate). I didn’t even know there was a problem and then I went to the dentist because my wisdom teeth were bothering me and the dentist looked in my mouth and said “Ho-ly shit!”

So were they taken out one at a time?
They used anaesthetic and took out all the teeth at once.

Have you ever thought about joining a caffeine support group?
Ha ha ha ha.

So what other kind of cola related problems do you have?
If I don’t have it for a 24-hour period of time I have total physiological withdrawal: shaking, headaches, irritability. I’m not very fun to be around.

Okay, tell me again how much you drink.
Around 2 litres in the winter and 4 litres in the summer.

FOUR LITRES!!! How long are you expecting to live?
Late forties.

What do you think will be the cause of your death?
Blaze of Glory.

Can you be more specific?
I just think that I may be partaking in risky behavior.

I don’t get you.
Most people don’t. Basically, I don’t want to grow old. We’re all going to die. We don’t have control over that. But, what we do have control over is the way we die.

I’ll leave it at that.

So you don’t think you consumption of cola will be the cause?
I’m hoping not. But, I’m not ignorant to the facts.

Have you been experiencing any severe side effects?
Other than loss of teeth, nothing.

What brand do you prefer?
Coca Cola Classic.

(** I originally intended to publish this in a zine called “Guts for Garter” that I started, but sadly never finished. It had an interview with Alien Sex Fiend in it that they did with me through the mail and it was fucking amazing, yet sadly I have lost that somewhere along the way.. **)