I ended up at a hostleling internation in santa monica. It was clean and had cozy common areas with wooden benches and lots of space. I looked up on counchsurfing for travel partners and saw thst someone was planning atrip to death valley. I had always wanted to go and fuck I don’t know, did I go before? I don’t remember. Did H and I go? I don’t think so but I don’t really know. Let me think, fuck fuck fuck we drove to la, we stayed there in a few different places. Did we go to universal studios. I think so. Today at dinner I realized how privelaged I am in so many ways. Fuck. And I have to stop judging others and look at my own behaviour and reflect on that. i’ve ben able to do so mman y things with my life and meet so many people and have so many experiences. Yes, i’ve suffered but ive also had so many great times. And H and I weent to california on a road trip in his bronco and I don’t remember all what we did. I don’t think I ever went to the desert until this time. So I found this guy on couchsurfing and him and another guy were goin g to death valley. So I signed up for the trip. The night before the othjer guy cancelled so it ende dup just me and this one guy who was from germnay and was quite frindlsy though I felt right away lie he was attrracted ot me which was a bit annoying but I just wengt with the flow and kept friendly but chill. We drove out of la and along a long narrow highway with joshua trees and then low brush and flat flat flat and hills in the distance. The landscape became more and more mountainous and then as we made our way into death valley the landscpae become rocky and jutted up higher and higher until we were completely enveloped and the expansivenes of the landscape was compleyel overwhelming. There is no way to convey it in a photo and drivin gthrough it just went on and on and on. We stopped at a small gusthouse on the way to zabriski point and spent the night there. We hike dup the mountinaside and made a fire that night and when we went of to sleep he trid to cuddle with me but I turned him away. He was respectful. But it was a bit fuckign weird,. But it was cool that he played music and had a violin and he told me that his brother had killed himself and we had lunch at a ramshacklyu looking plac eon the side of one of the small roads going down to zabriski point and there wa s a woman workign ther ewith long dark dark brown air and her face was beautiful like part of the desert and we wer on our way to zabriskie point and I wante dot go there after watching that movie by that fdrirector from the 70’s I felt lie it really captures this darkness and downfall of the love generation the beautiful horrible destruction but then on the way I started to feel really sick like I was getting acold and I was like fuck my ears are filling up with fluid and I have a predisposition to earaches and small eutacian tube and my ear drums have burst before and I wa slike fuck I don’t think I can driv eall the way down there cause like the whole thing that makes zabriskie point so uniqur is that its in the middl eof the desert and its below sea level and theres theres crazy fucking scene in that ‘zabriskie point ‘ movie, what’s that director guys name again I can’t remmeber I think he’ s itlaian I relaly need to watch that movie again but I also know it will be so intense it’s a movie that goes deep into the pit of your soul somehow and so ya theres this surrealk scene stained in me mind of an orgy a thte zabriskie point, these naked bodies writhign in the sand like worms and I was fascinated with that place not just because of the orgy but just being drawn there somehow and then wee never made it I wan tot go back ot that desert, I think aboi utit a lot sometimes I get really depressed and I don’t wan tot be here life life is just so intense and i’m so fiuxcking sensitive inside and I feel everythign so deeply it’s like everythign around me is constantly seeping right through me and I was told that likee thers nothing I can do about it that thats just the way my energetic body was designed and that the more I fight it the worse it will be i’ve been fighting it my whole life i’m angry that I have to alchemize so much garbage all the time its not fiar fuck you so then I end up in utter despair and then i’m like I don’t wan tot fucking be here fuck this place and then I think abou tthings that I wan tot live for and one of them is that I wan tot go back to the desert I wan to to go to death valley to zabriskie point I want ot let the landscape split me open like a citris fruit I want ot light fires up on the hill and hear coyotes in te distance and see the star sprinkles so close