I cut to connect to my body

I cut to disconnect from emotional pain

I cut to connect to physical pain

I cut to feel a rush of endorphins

I cut to calm my nervous system

I cut to calm my brain

I cut to feel alive

When I cut all of the heartache and disastrous thoughts melt away

When I cut the past and the future dissolve into the active moment

When I cut my mind goes crystal clear and connects to the stars

I want the pain I feel inside to be visible on the outside

After I cut I feel ashamed

After I cut I cry more for the pain I caused myself

After I cut I think about how I have to hide the wounds

After I cut I don’t want anyone to know about it

The next day I wash the crusted blood off with cool water and dress my wounds with salve

I don’t feel like going out or eating much

I can’t take a bath because it burns too much

I wanted things to be different
I wanted to be somebody else
I wanted life to be easier and people to be less cruel
I let others treat me like shit and abandon me
and now I’m treating myself like shit and abandoning myself

I wanted someone to love me
but I don’t even know how to be nice to myself
and stop abusing myself
and stop talking trash to myself
inside of my head all fucking night

I have to hurt to heal

I have to hurt to be real

I have to hurt so I don’t float away