...\\\\ solitude and endless time, i'm easily led astray and influenced at times. trying to let it all go let it flow and get over myself and just say how i really feel sometimes. it's scary though, and often i just don't know how i feel.......

i just have all of this obligation programming that kicks in when i start seeing a person. and i'm super duper sensitive right now, any amount of drinking messes me up >>

((** swim down river with a paddle instead of up shit's creek without one **))


gotta find my free flow mind and unwind. i'm still not all here too many old fears and masks. layers revealed and unpeeled and wasting away. your hubris is just too much. i'm had some good rum and some dumb fun and now i gotta run. holy fuck destruct slip away grasping at nothing with a clenched fist. i feel stupid mad at myself. in retrospect i have no self respect i'm fucked up inside here comes the tide i'm ready for it this time i'm ready to look inside and let go of my pride and cut down to the bone or curl up into a furry little ball smash my head against the wall. i don't know how to play it cool. i make an ass out of myself. i have everything i need and the shitty stuff doesn't matter. so why am i thinking about all of this bullshit again. i have everything. i have nothing.

((** didn't want to get sucked into the void again so spent all day drinking **))

i want to be eaten by the soil or set free into the sky. a part of me is so ready to die but i'm stuck here and i don't know why. wanting to love and be loved. giving my love to people who don't appreciate it. i cry and i cry but i keep holding on.

self-love energy flow snake seeds garden sunset people. when the darkness comes i think about all of the disappointments. everything on his terms. no support. always alone. shitty boyfriend. shitty friends. "with every blow, comes another rise" fantasies, delusions, ego-trips. hiding myself from myself, not wanting to face the reality of how sad i was.

I think i'm done crying for now and i'm accepting that i won't see him again and even if i did, it wouldn't be good for me. i'm hitting the road again........................